Final Destination 5 (2013)

In my opinion the Final Destination franchise is the worst series of horror films released in the last 20 years, beating even the many crappy Saw sequels, and the fifth installment of this terrible franchise is the worst yet. Now, pretty much all aspects of this film are bad, but let start with the acting. The two main characters and best friends Peter 'eyebrows' Friedkin (Miles Fisher) and Sam Lawton (Nicholas D'Agosto), really do take the biscuit with some of the worst acting I've ever seen. Not only is their line delivery shocking, but Peter Freidkins eyebrow prevent the viewer from taking him seriously at all (you will understand when you see them.)

The inevitable far-fetched and ridiculous deaths start happening right from the start. When Sam and Miles embark on a work trip with their colleges. Whilst sat on a coach in a traffic jam, Sam has a premonition that the bridge they are on will soon collapse. .


Just as he starts warning the group of their imminent deaths, the bridge starts to crumble beneath them. Luckily enough, however, the main characters all survive, while a bunch of extras die when the bus plunges into the river below.  The rest of the film plays out the same as previous four installments - with death hunting down the annoying characters and eventually catching up with them in increasingly ridiculous ways.

The paycheck wasn't bad, so I don't give a fuck!

There's practically no plot. Just a showcase of stupidity and bad acting in-between the death scenes. I actually enjoyed the death scenes, not for the special effects or gore, but because one of the annoying characters had been killed. The final scene in the kitchen is a showcase of all the things that make this film terrible: the terrible acting, ridiculous script, and predictable deaths. The only highlights:  the crappy actors eventually die, and Tony 'Candyman' Todd's cameo.

I really hope they don't make any more of these films. I wouldn't even categorize this crap as cinema. Stay well clear of this, or you'll regret it.

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The Den (2013)

It's not surprising to see yet another found-footage film, seeing as they account for 90% of all horror films made these days, and sadly, it's not a surprise to see one as bad as The Den.

Elizabeth is a social media student who, as part of her thesis, intends to spend a few months chatting with completes strangers on a socials media site called The Den, what could possible go wrong..? After a few days of lazing around her apartment talking to strangers, she eventually come's across a disturbing video of a women being murdered. She immediately goes to the police, who show the kind of incompetency you come to expect from cops in films like this. The cop views tape and says "it sure looks real, but unfortunately it's impossible for us to this guy..."



Soon her friends and family start being picked off by this online nutter, but at no point does she notify the police. After the series of annoying video and unrealistic video conferences she has with strangers, I was glad to finally see some action.

The police in this film are absolutely useless. After Elizabeth calls them again after her boyfriend goes missing, they immediately dismiss her story and even threaten to lock her up for telling stories,  even though there was a laptop left on the floor of the place he was last seen, possibly containing evidence.

The found footage element doesn't fit in with certain scenes. I mean would you still be filming everything if some nutcase was stalking you? Or when you were rushing to your sisters house, worried that someone was gonna kill her? This is why found-footage is over used these days and most of the time doesn't work right.

There's  plenty of blood and gore in the film, and the killer looks genuinely creepy wearing the sackcloth mask. Unfortunately, that doesn't make up for the film's other shortcomings.

Scarecrow anyone?

The Den was a good idea poorly executed. The idea of a social media killer is great, and I would love to see a non-found-footage film based on that.

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The Invoking (2013)

Well, what can I say...quite possibly the worst horror film that I have ever seen! The acting (if you can call it that) was absolutely horrendous. The story was stupid and made no sense,  it wasn't scary at all! The props and special effects were shit!. I just can't believe I wasted 90 minutes of my life watching this shit; the only thing it 'Invoked' in me was boredom.

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You're Next (2013)

You're Next is part of the "Mumblegore" sub-genre of low budget indie horror. Recent additions to this increasing popular sub-genre are House of  the Devil , The Innkeepers and VHS. The best way to describe this "Mumblegore" (ridiculous name) is a mix or art house  and old school horror.

Anyway lets talk about the film. The Davison Family decide to have a family reunion at their huge mansion in the country. Tension run high among the siblings and arguments soon breakout during the lavish banquet the family gather for in dining room in the evening.

The stormy reunion is soon interrupted when a group of men wearing animal masks break into the house and start terrorising the family. The masks look really creepy and include a Lamb,Wolf and a Fox.

As the Davison family clan gets picked off one by one by the intruders, one of the family decides to fight back; Erin, the wife of one of the families son's who apparently grew up on a Survivalist Compound (convenient), puts her survivalist skills to use using survival tactics, and setting nasty traps for the masked killers.

Dam, I got blood on my top!

When only a few of family remain, a huge plot twist is revealed, at twist that makes Erin's survival even more difficult. The the bloody deaths that Erin inflicts on the intruders are original and grizzly, the best of which involves a food blender being stuck into a mans head.

I loved the whole feel of this film. It was perfectly paced with lots of tension, creepy scenes and atmosphere. Ti West's is quickly becoming one of my favorite horror directors, and You're Next is his best effort so far. Sharni Vinson's performance as the final girl, Erin, was superb, as were the performce from the rest of the mostly unknown cast. 

You're Next is a well written violent gore-fest with some truly memorable kills involving axes, nails, meat tenderizers and of course the infamous food blender scene, and is one of may all-time favorite survival horrors.

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Insidious: Chapter 2 (2013)

This film picks up from where the last film left off, with clairvoyant,  Elise, stuck in a trance trying to free Josh Lambert from the other world, while her two assistants Tucker and Specs, and fellow clairvoyant, Carl, try to figure out how to bring them back.

The plot has just too many holes and was poorly put together. To be honest, I thought about turning it off a few times, it was just predictable and boring. The strange overuse of bright colors on the sets didn't add atmosphere, but rather made the film feel childish and unconvincing.

One of the few high points in the film is the scene where Carl tries to draw out the evil spirit that's possessing Josh Lambert, and the ensuing fight between Josh, Carl, Tucker and Specs.

The only scene I found really creepy or scary was the scene when the girl ran out of the boys closet, and started talking to him through the string and can. The acting from Patrick Wilson and Rose Byrne was pretty good, as is the case in the other films they acted in together in. The special effects were good, just poorly used, as the films contained no big scares of any kind. If a third film is in the pipeline things are gonna have to improve, James Wan really dropped the ball with this one.

Come on James Wan you can do better than this!

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Big Ass Spider (2013)

Compared to the recent b-movie horrors released in the last few years - Big Ass Spider! is one of the better ones, with half decent CGI and some pretty good laughs along the way.

The film starts with a scene of apocalypse, with a gigantic spider destroying skyscrapers in downtown L.A. The only thing that stands in the way of the city being destroyed is Alex Mathis, an exterminator played by Greg "Heroes" Grunberg. After the premonition of destruction scene at the start, the film really starts when Alex Mathis is bitten by a spider while on a job. He's goes to the nearby hospital and has an injection of  anti-venom. Just as he is leaving the hospital, the fire alarm goes off..

The alarm was raised by a pathologist who claims to have been attacked by a huge spider that hatched out of corpse he was working on., Alex is called upon to hunt down the spider.

It soon becomes apparent that this is no ordinary spider, and the military soon arrive to quarantine the hospital. The spider gets bigger and bigger with the more people that it kills and soon escapes the hospital, and goes on a rampage around L.A, followed closely along the way by Alex Mathis and a security guard he met at the hospital.

During his attempt to kill the spider Alex meets an attractive blonde army Sergent - in fact all the women in this film are attractive and have big tits . The death scenes mostly evolve scantly clad women being crushed by the spider. The rest of the film is made up of: swimsuit models running about screaming with their tits bouncing around and cheesy one-liners are what make this film so ridiculous but at the same time so entertaining.

Big Ass Spider! is probably the best b-movie horror of the last five years. A quick popcorn action comedy that shouldn't be taken too seriously. 

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Carrie (2013)

The worst pile of stinking, poisonous sludge ever to be dredged up from the deepest, darkest depths of cinema - and that's being kind!

The director did nothing new with the source material: the film was a clone of the original, except with crap acting, dialogue, music, and I'm shocked that Julianne Moore had anything to do with this turd. The acting from most of the characters was awful, especially the cheerleader and jock.

Chloe Grace Moretz's performance was passable.. I cannot, however, find any real positives in this abomination. 
A short review is all this film deserves, as it is probably the worst horror remake ever made.

Yeah..the ordinance feels the same..

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V/H/S 2 (2013)

Unlike previous horror anthologies like Creepshow and Trick 'r Treat ,V/H/S 2 fails to deliver on what was a good idea.

Found footage films are usually cheap, low budget affairs, and must be done right to have the desired affect; not many films have achieved this, with the exception of  REC, REC 2, The Blair Witch Project, and The Last Broadcast. V/H/S 2  takes found footage and anthology horror and puts the two together. The result is the horror equivalent of  "You've Been Framed".

The film is basically made up of four found footage shorts, the of which is a tale about a man who has an experimental eye implant that makes him see ghosts, which is all shot in the first person perspective of his eye implant. The hole thing feels like you're playing a survival horror video game, the ghosts look like the ghosts in games like Resident Evil or Silent Hill. The digital interference that keeps cutting into the display of his implant video, is cheap and video game looking. The film just follows him around his house trying to get away from the comically bad looking ghosts that aren't scary at all. Its just a really silly and boring film.

The second film is basically like a bad episode of  The Walking Dead, in which a man (conveniently wearing a helmet cam) sets out on a bike ride through the woods, and is suddenly attacked by a pack of zombies.  To cut a long story short,  he gets bitten, becomes a zombie, and runs around the woods infecting unsuspecting bikers and hikers before taking part in a blood bath at a camp site, where he and the pack of zombie tear apart a group of people celebrating a birthday party. Its all predictable, boring, and some of the acting is truly zombies-like.

This third film is about a team of journalists who go into a monastery school of some kind which is run by mad man. It turns out the loon and his followers are all devil worshipers, and intend to kill all of the journalists, besides a pregnant one, who they intend to use as a sacrifice so the devil.

I quite liked this one. Its the best episode in the film. The special effects were "ok" with some truly stomach churning moments. When the devil eventually surfaces and is let loose from the monastery, he takes chase after the only surviving journalist. When he finally catches up with him, the devil himself looks like a cheap donkey costume with horns on the head, its really comical. Overall though, this one wasn't bad at all.

The final short film, is set in a lake side house in which a group of middle-class teenagers are having a sleepover/party. The camera work is done by one of the kids as they document their exploits. They start playing pranks on each other during the night. During one such prank, a bright light suddenly engulfs the house -- coming from the direction of the lake. The house starts shacking, the lights flicker off, and then suddenly aliens with extremely long fingers burst into the house, and start terrorizing the group of teens. The aliens don't probe the idiot teens, but instead display their staggering ineptitude when it comes to kidnapping. They are within two feet of all of the group many times, but instead of grabbing or fingering them, they lightly stroke them and dance like homos. In the end no one gets fingered, the aliens go away and book some dancing lessons.

At the end of the day, V/H/S/2 is three poorly made low budget short films and one passable one. I hope the current surge of found footage films ends with this terrible example, because the fad is wearing a little thin. Don't be in a rush to see this one.

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Contracted (2013)

This films should be used as a sex education video used to shock teenagers into using contraception, because its not very good as a horror film.

Things start off at a party at witch the main character (Samantha) and her annoying friend get very drunk while party hard through the night; with some equally annoying and stereotypical party goers -- the fat guy that everybody likes, the nerd, and the bitch that no one likes. After the party ends Samantha ends up in the back of a car having sex with some mysterious get she met.

A few days pass, and it becomes apparent Samantha is not well. Her annoying and loopy mother doesn't notice the severity of her illness, nor does her incompetent doctor until its too late. Her useless doctor speculates that she has contracted an STD.

Samantha is caught in a love triangle with her girlfriend, her friend, and some guy that keeps hitting on her at work. As her condition worsens, making her body basically rot away-- her eyes turn dark red (making her look like a Twilight vampire), her skin turns dry and grey, her hair turns grey and falls out, and her pussy becomes infested with maggots -- her girlfriend and friend keep their distance, making her turn to the guy.

The dialog throughout the film is awful. Whenever Samantha's friend says something to her, she either says: "what the fuck", "fuck" or "are you ok?". The last and most ridiculous sex scene in the film is no exception with much quotes as: "oh it feels all tingly" and "oh my god you're so wet!". 

The final result of Samantha illness is a cross between a zombie and a vampire with rotten pussy; which, by the end of the film, I feel no sympathy for -- hasn't she heard of hospitals? . The ending is boring and anticlimactic, and will leave you pissing more blood then Samantha did.

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I Spit on Your Grave 2 (2013)

The original I Spit On Your Grave, was one of the infamous video nasties of the 70's and 80's. The remake of 2010 was even better in my opinion -- more disturbing and extreme then it 70's predecessor-- with some truly brilliant revenge scenes.

I Spit On Your Grave 2 follows the life of a budding young fashion model, Katie, who is trying to find work in New York. She stubble's upon an advert for a photo shoot were shes photographed by some eastern European creep and his friends.

One of the bunch takes a liking to her--a retarded looking looser wearing thick glasses-- remind you of anyone? Anyway, she arrives home and is attacked and raped by the aforementioned retard and his fashion photographer friends. She is knocked unconscious and the next day wakes up, hog tied, lying on a dirty mattress in a basement somewhere.

The films unfolds into a web of conspiracy and depravity, with Katie taking out her revenge in savage and brutal ways. But heres the problem, the film was basically the first I Spit On Your Grave, with different people and locations. There was nothing surprising, and the film was 90% predictable up to the point of the final revenge deaths, which were brutal and gory but at the same time completely diabolical. The way Katie finds all the instruments of torture she needs just strune around a sewer is just ridiculous, and she even manages to find an electric supply down there as well-- I mean come on!

Overall very poor, and should not have been made. I Spit On Your Grave is one of those films that should remain a singular endeavour, anything else, and you'll have the film equivalent of the Call of Duty games.

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The Colony (2013)

When I first saw the trailer for The Colony I got quite excited and I expected a new and original take on the post-apocalyptic sci-fi film.What I got was a condensed mixture of  The Day After Tomorrow, 30 Days of Night, 28 days later and The Thing, which was barely watchable.

The film is set in an ice age future where global warming has run a muck and whats left of mankind is barely surviving in underground bunkers. The leader of one such group of survivors is Briggs (played by Laurence "I should find better work" Fishburne), who must maintain his authority over his increasingly discontented second in command, Mason (played by Bill Paxton.)

I found the first hour quite interesting. The plot basically follows Briggs and a few members of his team trekking out into the wilderness to another outpost, which they lost contact a few days earlier. The trip basically involves Briggs taking on the stereotypical tough guy leader role, in which, every chance he gets, he reminisces about his tough past and the terrible things he's seen...etc..etc.truly tiresome stuff.

I don't want to give too much away, but there is a huge plot twist halfway through that completely ruins an already lackluster viewing experience. A twist so ridiculous and poorly conceived that it left me in shock and amused at the same time. To cut a long story short, there's nothing original here, only lots of snow, a shitload of climate change propaganda, a hot blonde with dreadlocks plus Laurence Fishburne.  If you've had few beers on a Saturday night and stumbled home with a kebab in hand, then this is the perfect film for you, otherwise stay well clear.

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The Conjuring (2013)

The Conjuring is easily one of the scariest films of the last 10 years. The film has is the complete horror package: great effects, lots of scares and great acting. The Conjuring reminds me of the great 70's horrors The Exorcist and The Omen, which weren't just good horror films, but good films in general - which made them more appealing to a broader audience.

The script is a classic haunted house story in which Paranormal investigators, Ed and Lorraine Warren, work to help a family terrorized by a dark presence in their farmhouse.

Ed Warren, collects haunted artifacts from the couples many paranormal investigations, and keeps them lock away in a specially blessed room in the their home. In the case of this house, the haunted artifact is a little girls doll.

The dark, unsettling atmosphere and constant suspense kept me on the edge of my seat in expectation of the next big scare, especially during the moments when the Warrens venture down into dark basement of the house. The scares in the film are perfectly timed to give the maximum effect.

The acting was great from all the cast with Vera Farmigi's performance standing out  for me. The majority of haunted house films tend to get a little boring, but The Conjuring was non stop thrills and scares all the way. The subtle way the story and unfolded set the perfect pace, and the final twenty minutes were truly thrilling.

The Conjuring is a breath of fresh in a stagnated horror genre, and I would highly recommend it to seasoned horror fans and others alike. Five skulls, enough said.

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We Are What We Are (2013)

Boring...sums up the majority of this film. Set in a remote small town outside of the Catskill Mountains, the film centers on the Parkers, a fairly reclusive but otherwise normal-seeming family that, every year participate in a grizzly religious ceremony which has been a family tradition for centuries, and must be performed by the mother of the family.

The film opens with the death of the mother, leaving it up to the eldest daughter to perform the ceremony.  Still reeling from his wife death, Frank, the domineering father, kidnaps a young girl and imprisons her in the basement of the Parkers house in preparation for the ceremony.

The two teenage daughters in the family, Rose and Iris, are not so enthusiastic about their new responsibilities. Unbeknown to the Parkers, the locals are beginning to suspect them, especially the local Doctor (Micheal Parks) whose daughter disappeared with out a trace only days earlier.

The film has a style all its own - dark, gothic, macabre and unsettling; just a bit too slow paced for my liking. Which is a shame because the film had the makings of a cannibal classic like Ravenous - which is the only film I can compare it to in terms of style and plot.

The film culminates in a frenzy of cannibalism and stomach-churning gore, with an amazing scene which ranks amongst the best I've seen, in either a zombie or any other type of horror film. The ending however, doesn't make up for the slow paced, uneven, and at times tedious eighty minutes that precede it.

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